Right I'm now officially 25 (whoop whoop) and to be frank it feels no bloomin different that 21, 22, 23, or 24...except I will make the wild assumption that I am less stupid and possibly a little more mature. Anyway, it means that now I can give out 25 year old advice, and rant about things in the manner of someone who has now been alive for a quarter of a century!
...God I'm old! :(
So I wanted to do this post because I felt that maybe it would be nice for the guys if I eased up on them a tad...just for today tho. I will probably insult you again in my usual whimsical fashion in my next post :D. I decided to go with something a little lighter by highlighting female dishonesty (a topic which is always as fun as it sounds). Obviously women have a lot of lies, but who has time to write the encyclopaedia of female untruths? Not me; so I picked 10 at random and here's what I came up with:
1. "I'M ON MY PERIOD."
As much as we HATE our period, it makes up for it's sh*tocity by being one of the greatest excuses on the planet for when you don't want to do sh*t, or to get away with crap. E.g. the guy you're seeing wants to meet up and you know that his mind is on troubling your playground, but for whatever reason, you're not really on it tonight but you don't want to upset him because you may feel like it at another point in time, so you whip out the period bar and ba-bam! Freedom in an instant, and nobody is offended :)
2. "I'VE GOT A MAN."
This one is a classic! A guy's moving to you, you're not interested and you're trying to tell him no in a gentle manner but for some reason, this Undateable is not taking no for an answer. Now ladies, you already know that this probably won't work because thirst is real, but you give it a shot anyway; "Sorry, I've got a boyfriend." The dude will either fall back or drop that DEAD line (you already know which line I'm talking about), "That's cool, we can be friends."
F*ck a 'friend'! Is my name Timothy? You know damn well you aint trying to be my damn friend! I f*ck around and give you my number then you wanna try ring me and have unnecessary late night conversations and try and trick me into going on a date with you 'cause you know I didn't really have a man, in the hope that if I get to know you I will change my mind -N*gga, NO! (I don't really like using the N word, but I felt in this instance it was necessary to illustrate my point).
3. "I'M A FREAK!"
B*tches, please stop doing this unless you know you are 1000% certified in the kinky department. Some of you will run off your mouth to a man with your "I'm a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets" bullsh*t, getting him all over-excited, making the poor defenceless creature (coochie is scientifically proven to weaken the menziz) think he struck gold, when all you're really offering is bronze at best. When he finally gets you in the bed, all you provide him with is a hot plate of disappointment with some post-buss depression on the side 'cause your so called 'freakiness' consisted of you behaving like this:
 |
| Which is worse; the man or the cow? You decide. |
4. "I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS..."
On the flipside to the previous point, some b*tches be tryna conceal their inner freak because they would like you to believe that they are good girls, but when it gets down to the get down it's a whole different story. A man will be lied to by these false uppity bitches that be trying to create this illusion to cover up their Victoria's Secret identity, yet when you get her in the bed (for example), this heffa has a masters degree in the art of sucking d*ck! She graduated top of the class! She will do it so well you want the b*tch to visit your other side chicks so she can teach them a thing or five! But remember, she doesn't usually do this :/, bitch it's kinda hard to believe you when you do it like you invented it #JustSaying. She doesn't even have the courtesy to follow through with the lie and do it badly (not that you're complaining). You just be there looking down at her, shaking you head and tutting like "You dishonest miracle worker! You're doing a damn good job, but as punishment for your lies, I'm gonna hold this nut so long that you get lock jaw!"
5. THE 'PICK 'N MIX' B*TCH
In this day and age, everyone is diluted with one race or another but some of you are so desperate to seem exotic like Rubicon mango juice that you dig DEEEEEEEP into your ancestry to claim other nationalities. All this man did is ask you what country you're from, why are you giving him a recipe for Liars Delight? "Well I'm 1/2 Nigerian, 1/4 Russian, 2/16 Native American, 1/8 Korean, 5/23 sugar and spice, with a splash of vanilla essence, and a swirl of Puerto Rican, laced with half a shot of Power Ranger." Well, that's all well and good my little sugar plum princess, but when I look at you I see black, black, black and black. Why are you making your nationality sound like a quadratic equation? Have a seat \_
6. "I DON'T CARE ABOUT VALENTINE'S DAY."
...-_- bitch, stop lyin'! Every year valentines day rolls around, and you're still on you jack jones, you turn into this bitter feminist and do everything in your power to convince everyone that you don't care, sending out your bullsh*t tweets about "I'm spending V. Day with my-damn-self because I love me!" "V. Day is just a consumerist holiday. You should show someone that you love them everyday, not just on V. Day, that's why I don't care because you lot are so fake! Fuck V. Day!" "Me and my girls we don't need no man to love us cause we love each other, that why we're going out together for Valentine's Day! Fuck Men!" I bet you if that boy you liked turned up at your door with a bouquet of roses, a bottle of wine and some d*ck, your tune would change quick tho init?
*Watch all the uppity bitches sit there reading this like 'Scotty don't know what she's talking about, I really don't care about it, it's just another day man, like whatever init....and Tyrone better not turn up at my door with no roses after I know he's been there with that dutty b*tch Chantel kmt, he thinks I don't know. I'll dash them roses back in his face, take the wine and close the door! P*ssio"*
7. "IT'S FINE."
8 times out of 10 (these are real life statistics), whatever you have done to upset her, if she's saying this, it's probably not fine. What it comes down to is that she has decided that she can't be bothered to deal with you right now so she's going to leave it alone...for now. One day you're going to want her to do something, and that is when she will get her revenge. The 'It's fine' was just an indication to let you know she has begun plotting. Example; you said you'd take her out. She gets ready. For whatever reason you end up standing her up. You lot get into it over the phone and after a while she gives up and says 'It's fine', all the while she's thinking 'I SHAVED MY LEGS FOR YOU! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS!"
8. CHICKS BEFORE DICKS
This is an example of female on female based lying. Some girls will walk around spouting this mantra all day while they are single, but we all have that 1 dead friend who will drop her girls like a hot potato once a man has entered the equation (you're thinking of that shit friend right now aren't you? Don't she get on your damn nerves? Sometimes you just wish the b*tch would get a rock thrown at her or something aint it?). The p*sstake is with this girl, she'll forget you lot was there from before her new suitor waltzed in, and pick him over you lot almost every time so much that you just give up on her and let her go live happily ever after in her castle in Dickney Land, London. As soon as the dude is gone, guess who morphs into Miss Social Butterfly? That bitch will ring you up out of the blue saying ig'nant sh*t like, "Hello stranger, I love how you don't holler at me no more!"
PADIN?
9. "YOU LOOK FINE BABE :)"
Some b*tches be scandalous, and having one for a friend is not the way forward. When it comes to getting male attention, some girls are very competitive and will do what they can to make sure that in their circle of friends that they are the Beyonce of the group, to the point where they will allow their bredrins to walk street with them looking like a hot mess just to further enforce that they are the 'nice' one. Their friend could have ashy lips, severe regrowth showing through under her weave, food stains on her top, hooker make-up, clothes that don't match or fit good, with lean off shoes, then ask her B*TCH of a friend "Do I look okay?" and that evil she-devilwhore will tell her "Yes. Yes you do.", then go to a rave with her and laugh in her head for the whole night while her friend stands in the corner alone, while Jermaine buys her a drink. Don't let your bredrins walk around lookin' wheel up please. That is not what friendship is for.
10. "I CAN COOK."
Now we all know that men are not THAT hard to please. As long as you don't leave them hungry or horny, they seem to be more or less content (I am not saying this is all it takes to please a man, these are just the basics). Women realise that men like to hear that they can cook, so it will get mentioned somewhere along the line. NOW; if you tell a man you can cook, sooner or later you will have to prove it. Ladies, if you do not know how to cook, don't lie and say you can because it is more than likely you will underachieve with your dish and you won't get the D, you will get an F for Failure. You can't be braggin about "Yeah, I'm a sick cook!" then when time comes for you to show and prove your serving man with beans on toast! That's not cooking! That's microwave and toaster. Just because you used household gadgets to make something hot, it does not constitute as cooking! He should take his plate and throw it at you.
So there are my 10 random points. Myself and that Vexy b*tch made another video similar to this blog topic, titled 'Bait Bars', which looks at lies that both men and women tell, so if you want an extra giggle, give it a watch here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=las6-YXT9tQ
If you liked this post make sure you share it and check out some of my other ones. If there are any topics you'd like me to rage about, just holler at me yo!
All of my links for the dope shit I do and where you can find me are in the side bar. Follow me on Twitter: @ScottyUnfamous and check out the trailer for my upcoming series 'Unfamous' (@The_Unfamous) based on my hit eBooks 'The Unfamous' (currently over 136,000 reads). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNuY2rwVhK8
Until next time ;)
Sx
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